4/30/2009

Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld

Great review. Red Eye is my favorite television show. Watching it is addictive.



‘Red Eye’ at 500
by Matt Patterson

Is there a stranger show on television than “Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld“?

Careening between train wreck and brilliance (often within the same five minute segment), “Red Eye” has been providing necrophilia jokes and toilet humor alongside serious political commentary and biting social satire for over two years now. In fact, “Red Eye,” which airs nightly at 3:00 am on Fox News, recently celebrated its 500th show. In honor of this momentous occasion, I would like to address those poor unfortunate viewers who have yet to tune in, and inform them why they need to start warming up their TiVos like, NOW! people.



The ringleader is Greg Gutfeld, former editor of Maxim U.K and Men’s Health magazines. His cohorts include Bill Schulz (the best side-kick since Andy Richter) and droll and dreary ombudsman Andy Levy. This crew is rounded out nightly by a rotating rogue’s gallery of bloggers, comedians, news anchors, beauty queens, medical examiners, rockers, freaks, and former C.I.A. agents. Oh, and Gutfeld’s mom.

The beauty of this ever simmering stew is you never know how it’s going to go down - sometimes it warms the belly, and sometimes you gag on the mix (Nutmeg?! In stew?!). You find ostensibly serious people being unexpectedly hilarious (Michigan Congressman Thaddeus McCotter’s fierce, young-Mr. Burns-visage belies a devastating Don Rickles wit), and ostensibly funny people addressing serious subjects - all with wildly varying success.
“Red Eye” is like a great punk song - individually the instruments are out of tune and none of the musicians have the slightest clue what they’re doing. But somehow it all comes together in a life-affirming vortex of awesomeness that makes you bang your head and pump your fist and thank God that the Ramones were too stupid and too smart to do anything else.

But “Red Eye” is not a punk song - it is a television show. Its sire is not the Ramones, but Steve Allen (R.I.P.), a mantle once picked up and gloriously carried by David Letterman, before he got infected with namby-pamby liberalism and I-know-what’s-best-for-you paternalism.

“Red Eye” will have none of that, and as a consequence is both the most daring and disgusting hour on the air. The “Red Eye” crew act like they are not even aware that they are on television half the time; or at least, they act like they are acting like that, and that is their genius.

So the question is not really “Is there a stranger show on television?” to which the answer is manifestly no. The question is “Is there a better show on television?”

Yes, frequently. But watch anyway. We’d hate for these boys to have to get real jobs.



Matt Patterson is a columnist and commentator whose work has appeared in The Washington Examiner, The Baltimore Sun, Townhall, and Pajamas Media. He is the author of “Union of Hearts: The Abraham Lincoln & Ann Rutledge Story.” His email is mpatterson.column@gmail.com.

4/15/2009

Americans with No Abilities Act

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her inability to remember "Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey." 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.

4/10/2009

'Cause I'm the Tax Man

What's next? Is nothing sacred in this world?

From BBC:


Sweden targets strippers for tax

Sweden's tax authorities are seeking the bare facts about webcam strippers' income, estimating that hundreds of Swedish women are dodging the law.

The search involves tax officials examining websites that feature Swedish strippers, in an effort to identify them and chase them for tax returns.

The tax loss is estimated at about 40m Swedish kronor (£3.3m) annually.

Project leader Dag Hardyson said 200 Swedish strippers had been investigated so far. He said the total could be 500.

"They are young girls, we can see from the photos. We think that perhaps they are not well informed about the rules," said Mr Hardyson, head of the tax authority's national project on internet trade.

The investigation into strippers is part of a wider tax project that includes online poker and fake trader locations.

Detective work

Mr Hardyson told BBC News that the strippers could be liable to pay about half of their earnings in tax. Striptease via webcam is quite legal in Sweden, unlike prostitution, he added.

"I don't think they have any costs really - almost 100% of what they earn is pocketed. Many have regular work and this is extra income. We want them to register their activity as a business - it's still taxable, even if it's a hobby," he said.

He stressed the difficulty of identifying strippers, saying the contact information on the websites was often "not obvious".

"We have to visit the companies behind the websites to get the information, then we have to work with the electronic wallets where the money is going in."

He said the Swedish tax authorities had been tipped off about Swedish internet strippers by the Dutch authorities, who had started a similar investigation earlier.

Web search tools like spiders had failed to detect the Swedish strippers.

"When we investigated the sites manually it worked better," he added.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7993694.stm

Taxman
by George Harrison:


Let me tell you
How it will be.
There's one for you,
Nineteen for me,

'Cause I'm the taxman.
Yeah, I'm the taxman.

Should five percent
Appear too small,
Be thankful I don't
Take it all.

'Cause I'm the taxman.
Yeah, I'm the taxman.

If you drive a car,
I'll tax the street.
If you try to sit,
I'll tax your seat.
If you get too cold,
I'll tax the heat.
If you take a walk,
I'll tax your feet.

Taxman!

'Cause I'm the taxman.
Yeah, I'm the taxman.

Don't ask me what I want it for,
(Uh-uh, Mr. Wilson.)
If you don't want to pay some more.
(Uh-uh, Mr. Heath.)

'Cause I'm the taxman.
Yeah, I'm the taxman.

And my advice to
Those who die.
(Taxman!)
Declare the pennies
On your eyes.
(Taxman!)

'Cause I'm the taxman.
Yeah, I'm the taxman,
And you're working for no one but me.
(Taxman!)